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| random thoughtsinspired by made of honor/a day late:
someone you really like, that would never hurt you?
or the person that knows you better than anyone, the one you love, wherein lies a huge chance of getting hurt and eventually rejected?
not as easy as it sounds if those two people aren't the same.
for reference:
anberlin - a day late
so let me get this straight--
say now you loved me all along?
what made you hesitate
to tell me with words what you really feel?
i can see it in your eyes;
you mean all of what you say.
i remember so long ago...
see, i felt that same way.
now we both have seperate lives and lovers;
insignificantly enough, we both have significant others.
only time will tell,
time will turn and tell.
we aren't who we were when...
could've been lovers,
but at least you're still my day late friend.
who knew what we know now?
could've been more,
but at least you're still my day late friend.
but thoughts they change,
and times they rearrange;
i don't know who you are anymore.
loves come and go,
and this i know--
i'm not who you recall anymore.
but i must confess,
you're so much more than i remember.
can't help but entertain these thoughts,
thoughts of us together.
so let me get this straight:
all these years and you were nowhere to be found.
and now you want me for your own,
but you're a day late and my love,
she's still renowned
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| i find philosophy incredibly boring......and i've finally figured out why.
for some reason, whatever reason, i find human nature itself much more fascinating than debating whether we're here.
i analyze social situations of my own, and of others, and make the most impossible connections with other situations and piece together a profile of everyone involved. of course, these profiles are rarely every representative of a whole person--even through countless situations with the same people, the truth of who they really are in their entireity is a mystery.
i find it incredible how two entirely different people who have never met can ask me the same question, with the same look, in the same way. and for the same reason. and while people can develop into different human beings, with opposite interests, degrees of introversion, extroversion, self-esteem, and self perception, when faced with a driving emotion, like passion, love, hatred, etc., there is a juxtaposition of how they react.
so in a sense, we are all fundamentally the same, and yet extremely different.
more of this stuff later, i'll keep writing it down here.
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| "So guess what I'm done
Drawing your pictures
I'm dulling the day with a drink
In a parking garage by the theatre
We met for a movie
Every scene was a sign
We made out through their meaning.
I've got friends who
Will help me pull through"
[la la lie .. jack's mannequin]
i love buying stuff for people.
i love my friends. haha. that's like my recurring theme. :)
amanda's partay was crazy fun.
i love sleepovers. :D
and staying up till 5am and then waking up again at 8am. x_x;
you know what i don't understand?
i know i still care, i care a lot.
i know it, i've realized it, i've accepted it.
and yet when talking to almost everyone else about it, everything i do, my actions and my words all imply that i really couldn't care less.
eugh... what's wrong with me? is this the way i've always been about people i love?
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| i love ikea swedish meatballs.
and watching amanda try to play guitar hero.
and watching jay kill prairie dogs in world of warcraft.
and anthony being hyper.
and kenny's house.
and getting peter to answer.
p.s. amanda pulls out her pubes one at a time with tweezers.
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| this week has been a living hell for me emotionally.
principally, it started out with my own personal problems,
extended to crises in my family,
and then to a loss experienced by a friend.
and without friends and family, i never would have made it.
with my own personal problems...
amanda for listening right when it happened.
janet for making me smile right when i was about to cry.
angela for coming over right when i called and not letting me be alone when i finally did cry. and for taking me to rosegreen after.
alex for letting me come over today when everyone else was out or busy, and letting me talk and then making me laugh and being a fat hoe. <3
jay for the times we will have when we go to see saw 4. :]
my family for caring even when they didn't know what was wrong.
with my family crises...
jay, angela, and alex for listening.
and angela for praying and being concerned.
with my friend's loss...
thank you for having a problem that forced me to step up and be strong.
if i have to be happy for someone else, i can be relatively happy myself. :)
words cannot express how relieved and at peace i felt the second angela was on my doorstep when i was on the verge of breaking down.
or how much easier it was to swallow my tears when janet made me smile.
or how relieving it was to laugh at my situation with alex.
so despite all the shit that's happened,
and all that's been lost,
i'm giving thanks for all that i've gained.
for my friends and my family,
who understand (or perhaps don't even know) how much it means to me just to be with them. <3
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